Selfish Healing
by KSchmidt
Summary: WARNING: POLIERS FOR 4x12 "GIMME GIMME SHOCK TREATMENT" What was going through Tommy's head at the end of 4x12?


DON NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN "GIMME GIMME SHOCK TREATMENT!! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!

Be Kind, Review. I don't care if you trash the story. I just want feedback and thoughts.

**Selfish Healing**

_A spa. I was at fuckin' spa and Jude was being held captive in her own basement. A SPA!_

Tommy tucked the newspaper under his arm as he started up the stairs of the rehearsal space at a quick pace. He knew she wouldn't be at her house. Something this traumatic? He would bet his millions that she was here, immersing herself in her music. Trying to work out what happened. Trying to heal.

He immediately heard the melancholy melody as he entered the rehearsal space, noted the presence of Big Lou and the lack of defiance in her posture as she strummed her favorite acoustic. He stopped short.

_She's okay._

It wasn't until that moment that Tommy realized how worried he was that she wouldn't be there. That she wouldn't be okay. He knew from the paper and from the others that she wasn't physically harmed, but after the Hunter situation…well…he just wasn't sure what he would see when he got there.

_She stopped playing_, he noted as he threw a glance towards Big Lou.

"Hey." He threw another glance towards Big Lou, hoping he would get the hint that they needed privacy for this conversation. "How was the spa? Did you talk to Darius?"

_The spa? Darius? So that's how this is going to go, Harrison. Ok, I'll play along_.

"Uh…Darius will take your money. He'll let us remix the album."

"That's great. Thanks." He registered Big Lou making his exit by the slam of the loft door, but his eyes never left her. He could tell she was avoiding the issue, trying to maintain a lighthearted tone, but he knew her. He saw how she kept glancing at her hands, never meeting his gaze, as if she could avoid the whole issue.

_Big Eyes…_

"You know…he doesn't think anybody will be interested, but…uh…" He showed her the headline. _Chained Rocker._ _Time to face the music, Jude. This happened. You can't run from it._

"But thanks to one crazy fan I'm on the cover of every paper coast to coast." Still with the attempt of humor, she lowered the paper and finally met his eyes. He could tell she was finally done trying to keep the mood light.

_God, I almost lost her. Again. She could have been gone forever_. He knew he had his "Jude look" on but he couldn't help it. They may have said friends, but they never really were. They couldn't be. Not with the music they shared.

He knelt in front of her. He didn't know when it happened, but she wasn't looking at him any longer. She was looking at the paper on the ground, but she was really lost in memory. He could read it in her entire body. She was back in her basement. Trying to figure out how it had happened. How'd she'd let herself be fooled again.

He couldn't help himself. He had to touch her. Had to make sure that she was really okay. Had to comfort her. He reached for her hair, just to tuck it behind her ear, but she unexpectedly looked towards him, leaning into his touch. He couldn't fight it, didn't want to.

He leaned in. She was right there. Her head shook slightly as he felt more than saw the tears start to consume her. He gripped her hair, more to restrain himself more than to pull her back from those thoughts. He remembered the last time his fingers had done the same thing in this very place.

_Her first time. Our first time._

She leaned into him even more _God_, he wanted to kiss her. _It would be so easy_.

Yet he remembered. _Chained Rocker._ He couldn't do this to her. Not now. Not so soon after what happened. He wouldn't take advantage of her fragile emotional state. She needed space to heal.

_Just one touch_. He ran his thumb over her lips as he pulled away from her. He let his hand rest across her neck as he met those big blue eyes. He couldn't pull Jude back into his tumultuous life. He didn't deserve her. She needed the chance to heal. From Megan, from Jaime, from _him_.

Tommy looked down at his hands, now resting on her knees. He promised himself right then that he wasn't going to take advantage. He had to do this. _For her. She deserves better. I can't help her right now. She needs to heal._

He met her eyes one last time before he started to get up to leave her so she could be alone, but he felt hands on his face stopping him.

Those eyes were drawing him in again. He felt like he was drowning in the fear that shone there. Her lips rushed into his and he couldn't stop, not even if he wanted to.

_If this is what she needs to chase the demons away._

He tried lying to himself, but he knew the truth. He was a selfish creature and she was in his arms, no, in his lap, and he didn't want to let her go. He tightened his arms around her, his goddess. He never wanted to let go.


End file.
